Long time no post. Been working through some stuff.



It's been kind of a rough month. One of my boys has not been doing well at all. He'd been doing so well, and I'd been so happy for him, but has had major addiction stuff flare up in the past couple of weeks. I'm scared for him and feel rather helpless.

In addition, my youngest and newest godson (still at the shelter) is ok, I think, but for the past month has been mad at me for some reason known only to himself. Won't tell me, won't tell anyone else, but has expressed it VERY clearly through nonverbals. So, he has been acting out in ways that, while not harmful to himself or other kids, have not been pleasant for me. At all. So dealing with negative attention from him whenever I'm at work - kind of an energy-sucker.

Mostly, I've been struggling with dissertation crap. I've got hangups from the IRB, need to sit down with my advisor, need to be thinking about internship applications...basically there are a lot of academic and career reasons why I really should come back to the US in August.

But I don't want to. I feel like being a 5 year old and throwing a temper tantrum and saying, I WON'T! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! Extremely mature Fulbright scholar here, folks. It's pure gut, intellectually I think this makes sense, I know that I will be back in Ecuador soon, but I just get this lump in my through at this sense of deep sadness the moment I think about leaving here. And dread at the thought of Illinois. Nothing there is bad, I just do not want to be back staring at a computer screen and living an American life that feels so far away from what I care about most. I feel like I'm not really alive.

So, yeah, after thinking it out, and working my way through denial, I'm taking the steps to most likely return to the corn in August. I'm not sure if I can swing it with Fulbright (and a tiny part of me hopes they'll say no and give me an excuse to stay) but in the meantime, I suddenly find myself thinking about goodbyes and where I'm gonna live and all that crap. And I feel SO not ready to go, like I haven't finished half of what I want to do here, and I hate leaving without having done the academic stuff I want to do, but even more I hate leaving especially when things with my boys are not good. And so I'm still struggling with the decision, and with this cloud of dread and depression when I think about going, but I think I've gotta be responsible right now.

It's only for a couple of months. Really.